The Show Must Go On

~This is the opening scene from a script that I was writing and then abandoned (that happens often)~

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[INTRO]

MAINE
You know I don’t think that I ever really thought that things would turn out this way.

DEACON
Really? What were you expecting to happen?

MAINE
Somehow I thought, you know, that we’d end up in jail. Or something.

DEACON
I’m just shocked that you managed to get through the court hearing without offending anybody.

MAINE
Well, I think I pissed off one of the guys in the back row.

DEACON
Not a total waste then. Come on, we’re due back at the station.

[OPENING CREDITS]

Narration- MAINE
You’d think that opening with a court scene would have some relevance to the progression of a story, but it doesn’t really. Nate and I have been in and out of court so many times over the last 6 years that we’re now getting frequent flyer miles.

Ok that was a lie, but you get the point that I’m trying to make. We make TV, and damn good TV at that. Sometimes when you push the boundaries you end up stepping on toes and end up having to justify yourself in front of the standards commission, or in the previous case the State of Utah for a sketch that they found particularly offensive.

Narration- DEACON
Matt loves to piss people off, it’s what he’s best at. I mean seriously, it’s a talent that borders on the mystical, people get angry just being in the same room as him. I would guess that this is what makes him such a good writer, he just doesn’t care, he is completely incapable of empathising with another human being for even a moment.

We started out about 7 years ago writing sketches that we acted out on YouTube, comedy stuff backed up by anecdotal blog entries tying in to each show. Four shows in and suddenly MSNBC came along with a big bag of money asking how we would feel about selling out to The Man. We resisted at first because, after all, the Internet is free and all that nonsense, a couple of seconds later we remembered that it is nice to be able to afford groceries.

[Open Scene]

DEACON
Hey man, did you get a chance to look at… whatcha doin’?

MAINE
Not much

DEACON
The novel, you still working on that thing?

MAINE
Still. I just can’t seem to get the characters to seem real enough.

DEACON
That’s understandable, you don’t live in the real world yourself so how can you expect to make other people seem real?

MAINE
I’m sure that’s a fair comment. Dick.

DEACON
Oh come on, Matt. When was the last time that you went out into the real world? And I don’t mean Starbucks. You haven’t even had a real job since that grocery store back in the YouTube days.

MAINE
Good times.
…
So what are you suggesting? You want me to go out and get a job packing shelves? I think that I still have my old polo shirt.

DEACON
I’m not saying that…

MAINE
I think I still have the cap too.

DEACON
Matt..?

MAINE
It’s red.

DEACON
I’m not suggesting that you go down to WalMart and prostitute yourself for your own intellectual growth.

MAINE
It’s got stripes.

DEACON
I’m suggesting that you go out once in a while and try to meet some real people, go to a club, get laid. How long has it been since you last gave your end away? Do you even remember how?

MAINE
The pointy bit goes into squishy bit, right?

DEACON
Maybe you should go down to Blockbuster… get one of those shows from the room behind the curtain. Think of it as… an education.

MAINE
I think I’ve seen one of those before. The plot had one or two holes in it.

DEACON
Figuratively speaking.

MAINE
Figuratively speaking. Dialogue wasn’t up to much either.

DEACON
You know I think that we actually have one or two of those guys working for us on the show now.

MAINE
I know that some of Dillon’s material was always questionable but I’d always put that down to a repressed oedipal complex.

DEACON
That’s not fair.

MAINE
Have you seen Dillon’s mom?

[ENTER] SOPHIE

SOPHIE
Guys, we need you down on the set. Quentin is losing it.

DEACON
What’s wrong with him?

SOPHIE
He’s having one of his ‘Shakespearean moments’. I think he saw the review of last week’s show in the Post.

DEACON looking to Maine
I didn’t see that.

MAINE
Once performer of sagas and gems of the silver screen actor Quentin StClair now seems to be washed up and out of his depth on the controversial satire Praise To The Fifth. Whilst the writings of Execs Matthew Maine and Nate Deacon remain as honest and on the money as when the show was first discovered the roles given to StClair seem only to diminish the character of this one time legend.

DEACON
Ouch. I can see why he is upset.

SOPHIE
So, what should we do about it? He’s refusing to do the skit about the Swedish tourist.

MAINE lifting a manuscript
Give him this. Tell him we’re shooting it in two weeks and the role of Virgil is his if he plays the Swede today.

DEACON
You didn’t tell me that you had finished it.

MAINE
I haven’t, that’s the first draft, you don’t check your emails often enough. I’m still waiting for your final version of Guilianni coming down from the Heavens to open the gates of Brooklyn.

SOPHIE
Do I want to know what this is about?

MAINE
It’s our three part special for the summer gap. I’ve written the role of Beatrix with you in mind, so I hope that you like it.

SOPHIE
The Divine Comedy, by Jimmy Dante. Part 1, New York. Part 2, New Jersey. Part 3, Orlando. Orlando?

MAINE
Yeah, I was struggling by then. If you can think of anywhere better than Disney City please be sure to let me know, its all open to change.

SOPHIE
Right…

DEACON
Go give it to Quentin anyway, playing a character from classical literature should calm him down at least.

SOPHIE
Until he finds out that he is probably a white hip-hop Virgil.

MAINE
Nope, I’ve kept him classical Roman. I thought that it would add to the comedy with him being as completely out of his depth as Dante.

SOPHIE
K

[EXIT] SOPHIE

DEACON
I saw that.

MAINE
What?

DEACON
You’re hot on her.

MAINE
I am not.

DEACON
Why are you getting so defensive about it then?

MAINE
I am not getting defensive about it. She is a nice girl, she’s smart, she’s attractive, she for some reason respects me…
…
Shit, I’m hot on her.

DEACON
Relax man, it’s not like it’s the first time that you’ve ever been attracted to anybody. Plus when you are paying her it will be for actual work rather than services rendered.

MAINE
I hate you, Nate.

[Close Scene]