Coke Zero: Satan's Breast Milk

~I had to do a quick opinion column skit for a writing class that I was doing in '08, this is the result~

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Coke Zero and I have had a somewhat tempestuous relationship over the ages.

On one hand I think that it is a bland and soulless drink that will eventually lead to the withering of humanity if it doesn't first conjure forth the very spirit of the Adversary. On the other hand it is a drink that by itself managed to get me detained by customs at Newark Airport whilst a Marine guard watched on.

Coke Zero is one of those pointless products, a meaningless addition to our lives for the sole purpose separating us from our hard earned money and further breaking our spirit so that when the time comes we will not mind that Coca Cola has taken over the world.

Slowly it began when they dipped their toe in the water to test us by releasing the God-awful Tab Clear. This was not so much a financial venture as it was an effort to see if commercialism had yet taken on the same religious status it enjoys in the US (something that will work well in Coke's favour as it will afford them substantive tax breaks). This vile creation was spat back into the darkest hole of the stygian pit from whence it came to join the horrid Pepsi creation Mountain Dew.

They tried again a few years later when they brought Vanilla Coke to the market, only this one took hold like some kind of infestation upon our psyche, beaming thoughts directly into your mind about how Coke want only what is best for you. There is a party in your mouth and everybody is invited. Unless you work for PepsiCo.

Their modern television commercials tell you as much, all the balloons and fanfare just to buy a bottle of mediocre dishwater that you wouldn't give to a man dying of thirst in the desert. Unless you wished to barter for his shoes or to show him that dying of thirst wasn't the worst thing in the world.

And then it finally was time. You'll pay for Diet Coke so why not buy one that tastes exactly the same but has a different label for all the cool people who want to make a statement about their individuality. And these drones march to the counter in their local SPAR one after the other with bottles of fluid suitable only for drowning a cat or severely irritating a goldfish.

What I guess I'm trying to say is that there was a more innocent time in our lives, a better time in humanity's history when there was just plain old Coca Cola and Diet Coke, or the delectable Cherry Coke. Hey, I never claimed that I didn't have double standards, after all I write for the Sun and still call myself a journalist.

But there is nothing to stop Coca Cola from releasing their crappy products and making enough money to buy Switzerland because we are going to keep buying them since we are in our hearts, sheep. And when the day finally comes that we are all slaving away on the Coca Cola off-world uber-mines on the dark side of Mars I want you all to know that I called it.